I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
