Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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