So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
