I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
