Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
