Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
