i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
