you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
