Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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