did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
