i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
