Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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