my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize