soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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