Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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