Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
