I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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