Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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