I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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