Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
