he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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