paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
