none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
why do cheetos always look like penises
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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