The maid of honor just puked.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize