I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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