my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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