Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
