im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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