i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
