Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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