He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
