Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
