i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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