Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
