oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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