Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
