hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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