is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
