I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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