Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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