I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
