Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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