I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
