When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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