Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
