He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
