That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize