2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
