he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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