i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
