i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
