What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
