think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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