Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
