Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
