My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
