So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
