i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
