Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
