I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize