Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
