ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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