apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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