someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
