There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
