I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
