well I can't set my house on fire every night
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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