well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
