sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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